"wheresoever she is, there is eden"

A quick entry to thank all of those who have wished and who have cared. Thank you, really. Also, if I have seemed & sounded ignorant lately, I am truly sorry. I let emotions get the better of me. I apologise if I am not around for those of you who need someone to talk to, someone to lean on. I am very self-indulged at this point of time, I admit. If I have hurt anyone, I apologise. I am not in the right state of mind to involve any other matter right this moment. Takecare babies. ♥

"Semua yang bernyawa, pasti akan mati"

Name: Elah Bte Tulus
Time of death: 1639 hours
Date of death: 27/05/08
Cause of death: Metastatic breast carcinoma

We loved her, and we certainly will always. Despite the sudden turn of events, I am relieved everyone, including myself, managed to pull through such a bitter period. She was someone we all looked up to. Someone we always wanted to turn to. Someone who was ever ready with her advices, always being able to give anyone and everyone a boost. Someone who would give you a slap on your face and bring you back to reality yet will still love you ever so tenderly. Someone who we all regarded as a Mother.

I will definitely miss you Mak. The talks we had together, eventhough usually brief, we had our moments - undeniably. I am glad I didn't hesitate to visit you that night. I am glad I have never doubted your spirit to stay on. I am glad I managed to see you for the last time. I am glad we went for holidays together. I am glad that despite the pain & agony you had to go through, you kept a strong front for everyone. I love you. I might not've said it literally, but I do.

We will most definitely miss her. Her warm hugs, her contagious laughter, her sugary smile. This whole event has taught me ever so many lessons. As I have said before, your family members will always be the first ones you look for, in whatever the situation you are in. Nothing else matters other than your faith in God. This world is only a phase, a phase that could end in just a blink of an eye. This world which He is making live through only to test our conviction and devotion to Him and His Messenger. This world is full of diversions and filled with entertainment - only to lessen our faith in Him. Nevertheless, as much as it hurts watching her leave. I am somehow wholeheartedly comforted because she has gone through enough of agony. She is the strongest person I know. The one who did not know the meaning of fear, the one who waged wars against herself just to keep her family together. We are all genuinely ikhlas with her departure.

Looking at your eyes shut tight. Feeling your face so cold. You looked so calm. You were a very generous person, a sincere one at that. You will always be in my, in our prayers. ♥

Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku. Ampunkanlah dosa-dosa makcik ku ini. Ya Allah, hanya engkau yang berkuasa Ya Rahman. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat Ya Allah. Tuhanku, ringankanlah azab nerakanya Ya Allah! Ya Allah, engkaulah maha suci, maha penyayang. Lapangkanlah kuburnya. Terangilah kuburnya Ya Rahman. Ampunilah dosa-dosanya. Amin.

I am going through PMS. Don't feel like doing anything at all. Ciao babies. ♥

Believe it or not, they are beginning to be on the same level as Shah Rukh Khan. Hahahaha! Fickle aren't I? Sorry, it can't be helped. Not this time. One makes me melt the other makes me smile. Okay, they don't even know I exist. Either ways, kudos to both! ♥

1 last paper on Saturday. I can't wait. Not that I've been mugging my whole life for this exam. Hahaha, I just have had enough of late nights & last minute cramming sessions. Oh and nescafe. One more thing, I am terribly agitated with this someone someone. Like, haven't the way I responded or acted towards you shown you ANY sign of hostility. For the record, it means back off. Because I need my space. And sadly, (thankfully rather) we are not on the same page. In terms of priority, mindset & even fun. I don't hate you. I just don't understand you. I don't plan to try either.

Syu is going to save my life tomorrow. Yessah! ^^v

Ps: GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!

Your confidence is bursting out all over today, and you know what you have to do in order to get what you want. Your clarity is better than ever, and your energy is high -- people are going to be falling all over themselves to get out of your way! Throw all your patience right out the window, because you won't need it. Waiting is not something you'll have to do today -- your fast action will create a strong forward momentum that will carry you into the direction you want to go.

Strangely, I felt this yesterday. I'm back in the zone. I'm back in my element. I feel good, tenenenenenet! Okay a very dry paper tomorrow, unfortunately. I shall go eat the book now. Ciao bananas!

(You guys wouldn't be interested in this post, so run along)

Okay so, I'm having a paper tomorrow. But here I am updating. There's something really wrong with me. In fact, I dare say that I'm on the verge of utmost misery. I don't think I have ever felt as such, but yes I do feel this way now. No one is to blame. I have issues, with myself - PERIOD.

I hate how I feel most of the time. I would rather stay in my room, surf the net, do nothing basically. I would rather sleep, and watch tv rather than socialise. I don't know if I was meant to be this way or if I chose to be this way. Sad to say, I have really forgotten how to have fun. My degree of self-control has definitely gone up but is it for the better, really? I have yet to find out. I really cannot wait for June 4th to come. That will be the time when I'll be able to find my true self and pay (almost literally) for all that I've done/not done throughout my 16 years. I do not expect myself to suddenly change into this perfect, flawless human being who does more right than wrong. But I for sure will want myself to change into someone better as days goes by.

(If you've already read up to this line, kudos to you cs you managed to get through the monotony)

School, school. Another word I dread to hear. It's not that I am not happy with where I ended up in. It's just that I'm amused at the fact that a part within me still refuses to accept where I am, and what I have to do. The social circles are widening, but are chances for me to spread my wings increasing too? Until today, I still feel trapped. I do not know what's my next step. And I hate that. I can be patient, but I dislike the very fact that I can only foresee as far as I think. I need answers, very accurate & honest answers. I know of only One who can give me those answers, and I'm working on speeding up the process. Hence June 4th. Truthfully, I cannot wait. Although deep down inside, there's fear. I think I've already mentioned that earlier but who cares. I feel like typing my heart out tonight.

"Whenever your world starts crashing down, that's when you'll find me. Lost till you're found. Swim till you drown. Know that we all fall down. Love till you hate. Jump till you break. Know that we all fall down "

I know God has allowed us to choose. And this time, I have made my decision. I choose to take it slow. Not like draggy slow, but slow. I will swallow what's been served on my platter. I will take it like a Man. I have loads more to say, but I have a paper tomorrow which I think I'll do badly for. But it's alright, I will go through this with pure confidence and I will be powered by awesome. Thanks for reading babies. ♥

You will be given a great deal of power today, although you might not realize it at first. The amount of attention you are getting from others is about to increase greatly -- are you prepared for being in the spotlight a lot more often? Make sure you look your best, and be ready to answer questions. At first, this situation might make you nervous. But once you get going, there will be no stopping you! You were born to be a leader, so enjoy your birthright.

Well, I'm waiting. Where's the attention? I've been feeling very horrible about myself lately. Horrible in a sense that I feel small. I feel like I'm no one. Worse, I have no idea what I have to do to BE someone. I don't know what I want to do after my diploma. Yes, hopefully I'll go on to advanced & degree. But what happens after? Suddenly everything is a blur. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of uncertainty & for once, I DO NOT want to be surprised by the outcome. Actions I've allowed myself to indulge in recently has gotten me nowhere.

I feel horrible about how I look, this is getting worse by the minute. And no, I don't need assurance. Cs I've gotten more than I've hoped for. I need myself to feel good. I need myself to realise that "this is as good as it's gonna get" & that's how it will be for a long long while. Please God. Show me what I'm breathing for, show me how much I'm being ungrateful for what you've given is more than I should actually ask for. Show me, guide me.

I know what you're thinking. I need to lose weight. Anyways. This happened before with Ruebs, but it happened again today while I was talking to Dad. I guess both of us were just exhausted.

Dad: *sits on couch* What a warm night!
Mum: Nak air apa?
Dad: A cold drink would be nice.
Mum: *gets up & walks to the kitchen*
Dad: Tasha, you know there was this fast food outlet that sold nice floats (as in the drink)
Me: Ya, BMW.
Dad: Oh yesyes, what happened to that place eh? Been awhile since we ate there.
Me: There's 1 in JB, i think.
Dad: What's the place called again?
Me: BMW *gets up & walks to kitchen*
Mum: What's the place?
Me: *slightly irritated* BMW!
Mum: Ah? BMW sells drinks?
Me: *finally realising my stupid mistake* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
*2 second pause*
Dad: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay if ya'll didn't get it. It's called A&W. BMW SELLS CARS! Lol.

Have you been holding back about what you truly feel for someone? Today, you simply have to spill it. It's time to communicate what you are angry about, worried about, or even happy about. This person is not going to be upset or annoyed by what you have to say! They are a good listener, and they are ready to have the conversation that you want to have. Start out slowly -- don't just jump right into the meat of the matter. Ease your way into things and you'll have a great talk.

That's so true. I spilled. I spilled to 2 people today and I feel Goddamn good about it :) No, I do not live my life through cheesy daily horoscopes now. I just am amazed at how very accurate they can get. The one yesterday left me breathless for 2 seconds or less. Anyways, I had a good 3 hours spent alone just now. Like, totally alone. It has been awhile since I treated myself in such a way. It sucks how people are always stuck on to you, like a leech. I can't stand them, verrrrrrrrrry rimas you know!

Nonetheless, did a somewhat meagre soul-searching session and I have come to a point of realisation. I am doing fine spiritually. I am doing fine emotionally (more than fine actually hehe). Now all I need is to focus on 2 more aspects. I need to succeed academically & physically. Physically, gosh. I so need to work on that. Like, yes I am healthy. I just neeeeeeed to lose weight man. Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn~ I'm like a walking whale /:

You bananas will be able to find me at the library tomorrow. Ciao babies! ♥

The Rudy Family - The Prodigies of Contradiction (period!)

My previous entry is unbelievable. I cannot believe I was such a baby about it. Sometimes even I amuse myself. Nonetheless, yesterday was worth the sudden outburst of rage cs I think that's why I actually had a good Mother's Day afterall. At the very least, I was able to see her smile and watch tears well up in her eyes as she read the letter I wrote for her while I was boiling @ 3am in the morning. Thank you for putting me in such a position dear God. Anyways! I had a conversation with Ibu a few days back and this was how it went.

Me: *looks at the sacks of rice in the kitchen* Ibu! Kita nak pergi perang kepe.

Ibu: Tak lah. Worse than perang. To feed the kerbau(s) at home.

Okay yes, I know you expected more than that. But really, I find it really comical for the fact that my mum is possibly the first most cynical person I've ever met. Yet, she's also the most lovable, affectionate & gentle person I know of. Happy Mother's Day, nonetheless! ♥

Oh and, this I MUST not leave out. Thank you to everyone who told me to calm down, chill, breathe, cheer up, lighten up, and that my mum loves me. Hahaha. Just when I thought no one cares, I get a whole basket of blissful populace. Love you semuanya! :D More of mugging & popcorn & nescafe & brooding over how fat/ugly I am the next few days. There will be a lack of updates. So don't expect much. Hehe. Only 20++ more days. I CAN'T WAIT.

It's now 12:46am, Sunday. Yes it's Mother's Day.

I don't care if my sentences are gramatically unsound or if I mispell anything in the next few lines. I am pissed, I am boiling.

Here I am. Struggling to adapt with 3 people at home. Being the only child is well, no freaking child's play. I am the youngest, but hell no. I am not pampered. I am the youngest but no, I'm not always under the limelight. Okay fine. Let's cut to the chase. I have had already planned something for Mother's day so I called my brother (who apparently moved out a few months back and doesn't call home to tanya khabar unless mum invites him for dinner) and asked him what were his plans. Seeing that he's the eldest and supposedly the wisest, he should have called ME first. Because excuse me I'm not working, I'm having my exams and he should have just had the foooooooking initiative. That aside, he said he didn't have any plans. So I proposed an idea, and without hesitation he turned me down. He was rude, almost tremendously obnoxious. Fine, I thought. I'll just carry out what I had planned initially and say that we were all in it together. Yes, I'm nice like that. So like, I was still puzzled. Cs for one, he didn't have any plans. And two, like kite tinggal due beradik only okay. And if I don't carry it out with him, who else have I got? I was very disappointed ardy. Oh I had ardy asked my sister to call mum so we can conference (like the 3 of us) when it turned 12am or something. I have tears in my eyes can you believe it, tears! Okay now. My brother couldn't care less. My sister was my only hope.

I texted her to tell her that we'll be home in awhile and that she can call. She agreed. So when we reached home, I texted her again. She said she couldn't call. But mum was ardy gg to bed. I was in a dilemma okay. I tried keeping mum awake but she's really shagged. So I waited for sis to call me at least. So I can use my phone and put us both on loudspeaker. I waited for say 30minutes. And guess what? She called dad's phone.

SHE CALLED MY FATHERS PHONE DAMMIT. SHE LEFT ME OUT OF IT. DESPITE THE AGREEMENT WE MADE. HA OKAY IM CRYING. I AM FREAKING CRYING. I AM VERY PISSED FOR THE SOLE REASON THAT NONE OF MY SIBLINGS HELPED ME IN THIS. DON'T THEY KNOW HOW HARD I'M TRYING TO ADAPT? DON'T THEY HAVE THE HEART TO AT LEAST FAKE SINCERITY? SHIT MAN. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D CRY OVER THIS. BUT I AM. I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH A HEART AFTERALL. SO NOW, I AM THE ONLY CHILD, WHO HASN'T WISHED HER. IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF IMPRESSION I'VE GIVEN IBU. HER SON WHO ISN'T LIVING WITH HER WISHED HER. HER DAUGHTER FROM ANOTHER PLANET WISHED HER. AND I, THE ONE WHO LIVES WITH HER, THE ONE WHO IS NO MORE THAN 10M AWAY FROM HER. HAS NOT. HOW DO I FEEL? I FEEL BAD. I FEEL HORRRRRRIBLE. SHIT I'M ANGRY. YEA MAN RIGHT ON THIS IS ANGER. BYE AH.

I know I haven't updated for awhile now. But that is because nothing interesting has taken place. However today, is exceptional. Today (May 9th) is extra special because 2 of my favourite girls will be celebrating their 17th Birthday. Yes, it happens every year you might say. But whatever, that's just cs you're jealous. Either ways, those 2 up there (as above) are the most sceptical yet lovable sisters ever. Oh no, they are definitely NOT your average twins. You girls are such a handful okay. Then again I will publicly say that no matter has taken place, the affinity between us always gets us back together. I have had alot of experiences with you girls, and no, I have no complaints. Happy 17th to you lovelies and Happy 4th to our friendship! ♥ Love you babies!

Feeling much better now. Thankfully. Else I'll just be very deprived. Told myself I need to get up & go, pronto. No point brooding over things, she's not coming back. Not anytime soon at least. However, it does feel good to know how much we actually mean to each other. Hehe. Hell yeah, blood's thicker than water. That's a no brainer. Finally leaving my room tomorrow. Huahua.

Mucho Love ♥

1) I miss my sister ♥
2) I feel as though all's falling apart
3) The weather is not being very nice
4) I am worrying over the exams
5) I think I have self-esteem problems
6) I want to go for liposuction
7) I need to apologise to everyone before June 4th
8) Having 3 people in the house feels weird
9) I am numb
10) My sister's screen name was "ripped apart..."
11) I want to fly to Bahrain
12) My iPOD's being an idiot
13) I miss you
14) I don't like how I'm still surrounded by hypocrites

You will have to be honest about what you think when you are asked to give your opinions, today -- whether it might hurt someone's feelings or not. There is no point in sharing your thoughts unless you share all of them, completely unedited. Tell them the good and the bad and don't candy-coat anything -- it's only going to waste their time. Being critical is sometimes a challenge for you, but it is one you can handle today. You can clearly see what's wrong and what's right. (It's still May 5th btw)

So beware, don't push the wrong buttons tomorrow. I will snap back because I am not myself. And I know it. Ciao bananas.

Ps: Thanks to all who have been very encouraging, comforting & been giving me virtual hugs/kisses. Masli, Fathin, Ruebs, Farah, Naddy, Kevo, Yana, Haszirah, Azlyn, Sheema. Love you all ♥

(Fyi, my sister has already left Singapore. It is now 5:10am, Sunday)

Kakak:
Hey lil sis.. I just landed in Abu Dhabi. Its soooo busy.. I'm just standing. Fifteen more minutes to go. I miss you already you know. Like to bits, Every time I think of us and the moment we had outside before I went in I'll cry. It's pretty bad, dunnoe why man. I actually feel depressed. Even seeing Nitin is not cheering me up. Like me otherhalf has been torn and ripped apart from me. Miss you lil sis. -4:42am via text message

I was asleep, but woke up due to the alert from my phone. Moment I was awake enough to read the text, I sat up. I read it again & I started crying. How very spontaneous of my tear glands. Thanks. So I decided to reply. Because what happened before she went in was out of the world. It was such an emotional moment.

Me:
Okay. Alhamdulillah. I know it was much tougher this time round, I miss you too. I'm sleeping in your room in fact. But it's okay. It'll get better in time. You're moving on to greater & better things in life. Besides you'll be in good hands. You should be over the moon. Don't think you've made the wrong choice k. I will definitely miss us. I'll miss having to finish your sentences, i'll miss having someone to talk to, I'll miss my other half. Send my regards to Nitin k. I love you!!

Nitin is her soon to be husband by the way.

Kakak:
God, you just made me cry standing in front of the whole crowd. Thankx. I look so dumb. One arab guy stand next to me then when he saw me crying he straight away move sia. Haha. Love you sis, you can't imagine how much I do.

HAHAH. So her to be very self-conscious.

Me:
Haha. It's 5am here and I'm crying like a silly girl. Mcm lovers sia! What this manszx. K nevermind. Go hug Nitin or omething, Lol. But not fair! At least you've someone to hug & all. Me? Even our cousins & your friends were concerned cs I cried EXTRA. How very uncool. Go be happy! Save me a room. Mmuah!

Kakak:
Dah dah enough, Got too many hot arabs here. I look so buruk crying. You go and sleep lil sister. Just keep in mind that you will always be on my mind. And we are feeling like this bcuz we have a very strong bond unlike them.

Me:
Pick a really hot guy and tell him I kirim salam k thanks. Byebye. *hugs*

The affinity between us could destroy the whole of Bahrain. Yes, I love my sister very very much. Even if we are freaking 6years apart. Treasure yours. They don't come by easy. Love you babies ♥

I look fat. Anyways, I have alot alot alot to say. Seriously. I've noticed many things recently. Butttttt, tomorrow's THE day. So I shall just sum it up then. Enjoy your weekends.

Ciao babies! :D